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Another Fag's Paradise's Journal
Below are the 25 most recent journal entries.
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2009.04.25 17.04
R.I.P. Marla Pappy Schmiderer...I'll love you always.
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2008.09.04 18.30
Marli is a comin to the land of enchantment.....I'm so happy!
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2008.05.15 23.14
MARLI...Happy Birthday to the hottest bitch in DC. I love you and miss you.
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2008.02.12 12.15
I'm a little reminiscent of the past I guess. Ivan's best friend the gyno doctor came and made me think of lots of things. One is that even if you are a super successful doctor it doesn't ensure that you're going to be happy. Sitting and listening to my bf and the doc reminiscence of the past made me think of my past. In all honesty I would laugh when I knew that I had to but i was off in another world.
One of the fondest times in my life was my trip through the south. I was young and had hope. I was with two amazing people who I don't keep in good contact with, which annoys me. I was daydreaming about how stupid and amazing and fun the whole trip was. For example, We drove in nicks black honda accord with a bumper sticker saying The QUEERS, a wanna be shaved lesbo, and two faggy looking boys. Smart but dangerous even with are green fluorescent biker shorts in alabama. OR...how we went to the slums of new orleans on a drug run that we didn't know about till some guy told us to never come back to this part of town. Yeah and nicks was giving lip to the driver. WE could have died. Im talking about no running water, shanty,kill you for a fake Gucci bag. I don't know I wish I could re-life it or we had a video camera. I want to take another trip like that with them but this time maybe through oklahoma, kansas,missouri the bible belt? not sure of location or space but something like that. I miss you marli and nick.
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2007.03.12 20.16
So why don't I trust the man that I love? I'm riddle with fears of cheating, unattractivness, and plain old fear of being loved. Truly Loved. I know that im scared that this might be real and that this year and some change (minus the 3 week break up) have been so valuable. I have created this value on sex and some specfic sexes as to love when in reality there was never that much of that love. And how pathetic is it to think that ass fucking means love. Or how basic is it to think that he would ever cheat on me or want to hurt me. I have so little value on his intgrity and loyalty. It hurts me deeply to see how my accusations hurt him. I know that deep down he would never ever do anything...but why is it when that he looks at an attractive man I go BAZZZZURK. I look at guys and sometimes suffer from the wandering eye yet I'm so worried that looking at a dude means cheating. I know that part of my behaviors are conditioned to my upbring with David Snr. but its to easy of an excuse to just leave it there. No More, that is the reason and I'm done dealing and growing from my fucked up shit. It is not the Lions fault or my fault that David Snr fucked up and I need to leave those bags at the door...some bags I can't let go of yet but those bags need to go. I should be happy that dudes are looking at him and want him. I also need to let go of that he finds other guys attractive and know that this doesn't means that he doesn't want me or crave me as much as these other people. I'm too worried about these made up possiblities and it borders on insantity. BORDERS! I am going to let these things go. I will make an effort every day to become secure in our love. I do need to figure out if I can truly do these things. I am going to try though. I love him so very much.
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2006.11.05 14.35
BETSY IS COMING TO VISIT ME THIS THURSDAY! OH YEAH WE ARE GONNA HAVE A BLAST IN ABQ AND SANTA FE. HEY HEY HEY.
I'm going home for thanksgiving and I'm excited...I miss my family and my parents miss us so much. My Dad and Mom miss us and I can't wait to hang with tommy and emily and the family. I can't wait to be in CA again. Poets and musicans are always writing about their homeland and CA is my homeland. I miss it and I miss my friends. I can't wait to hang with nora and erijane and go to some dive bar and celebrate.
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2006.09.20 21.19
I know this is a dumb entry but this weekend i will not drink or snort anything. I promised myself.
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2006.07.31 16.08
With a through 5 days of thought I decided to move to ABQ New Mexico. I love it here even though Ivansito now lives 3 hours away. Still I'll get to live with an amazing roommate/friend...I get to hang and live in the same city as jessica its just gonna be great figurin it all out and livin life. I'm happy and sad to leave my parents though. I'm pretty sad about that but i need to grow up in diffrent sorts of ways. I'm also sad that I didn't get to say bye to Erijane and Nora. I love them but they were in london so it aight right? ha. Alright...oh yeah I love my brother and sister...so much support.
This is my new address:
324 Girard SE
ABQ, New Mexico 87106
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2006.07.02 20.37
I just got back from an amazing weekend.
Betsy's mom was getting married this weekend and it took place in the most picturesque place with millionaires everywhere. So it was at the wrigley estate and I felt like white trash/the help when I was there. All these servers asking us what we wanted to drink of eat and it was crazy. Santa Barabra Coast line for MILES. I love betsy's family and I'm glad that I got to meet all her southern family. It was so much fun even the bowling alley bar fight. One thing that I have to say is that just because someone who looks like a homophoic dude doesn't mean that they are one. Greg looks like a meat head and he's really goodlooking/hot body. Built...looks like nick o...and he's so rad and fun. Totally a learning experience. He hugged me and said take care sweetheart when I was leaving. Totally in a straight way though. It was way sweet. So many more details but I love betsy's family and her mom looked so beautiful. Oh yeah I was kickin it with millionaires I should of networked.
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2006.06.22 13.01
Where to begin.
The Ivan and I thing is getting pretty intense. I don't know what to think right now. Just to fill in the world I'm planning on moving to ABQ in August. Well Ivan might get a job in Pueblo colorado or something anyways the point being that I might not infact move to ABQ but to pueblo which I don't know why really but it just bothers me. I want to move to ABQ because I'll have friends and It will be chill and there are a lot of people of color and gay stations throughout the city. I guess that I haven't really mentally made a picture of what pueblo would be like. I'm also pissed that Ivan just expects me to move there without even talking to me about it.
So anyways we've been fighting and its basically at the point where I think we'll break up if he moves to pueblo. I just can't strip myself from all allaince because he might get a better hotel job. I mean I would move with him wherever if we had already lived together for at least 6 months but We haven't had that and I don't care what he says I am moving to be with him. I don't know what to do. I talked to nora about it last night but I'm still so unsure because we kind of were talking about it but today is the day he goes to check out the hotel to see if he's gonna take the job or what not.
If I don't move with him does it mean that I don't love him because I love him so much. I didn't sleep at all last night, I felt like my heart was breaking. I also called him 20 times throughout the night so we could talk about it but he was drunk and turned his phone off or something.
I think this is probably the only lj that I've ever asked advice so please do give me some advice.
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2006.06.13 09.20
Erijane is going to Italy in like 4 days....I'M SO EXCITED FOR HER.
Yeah but pretty sad because that means that we'll have like two or three days to kick it before I move away. Yeah pretty depressing thats why Tommorow we're going to Indian and we're eating up and enjoying ourselves.
yeah it's pretty fucken sad.
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2006.06.08 23.33
I had a really horrible dream a couple of nights ago. I dreamt about the witches of slumville. Yes the fat bitches of California st. So here is goes my brother and I lived in ny and were wealthy and glorious and designers for a high profile house. My brother and I and some A lister went to sc to pick up my bed. I wanted this bed so fucking bad because it gave me the best sleep ever. I guess I really need that goodnights rest. Anyways I was driving this black hot range rover and when we got out of the car we saw these three 30+ women smoking cheap cigs under this horrible little porch thing. Who you ask were this meld of disgust and waste but the Witches of Slumville. N-E-Ways They tried to chat us up and such. The idiot was trying to talk fashion and all we could do was nod and glare at the horrors they were wearing. The Jew was still wearing the same seven jeans...the jean bubble is over especially for sevens. Anyways the idiot was trying to sass us about our latest line and I broke it down. I told her that just because urban outfitters gave her a badge it didn't mean shit in the fashion world. She was 30, an assistant manager and still weighed 10 pounds more than me(which is true) that all equaled Failure. Anyways the jew said something and my brother said that he felt bad for all three of them because they were only going to amount to the status of the lower class Bourgeoisie. It was sad and degrading. The A lister started to laugh and it was a mess. Anyways I got the bed and I threw my card telling them that If they were ever looking for a job in NY that we always needed people to work in the dark back.
Pretty horrible. Funny but horrible.
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2006.05.26 10.28
Okay so here goes...
I miss last week.
Miss it to pieces.
I had so an amazing time. Time vanished and I wish I was getting ready to go into the city with my bro and the panda.
There is this space of time when things are happening and you don't realize that those are the good times. I'd like to quote the famous cokehead sarah samarin as saying " lets stop talking about memories and lets make them."
That shit makes me laugh everytime.
I really love the new maddonna cd. It is a get ready to go out cd and If tommy doesn't send it to me soon I'm gonna have to buy it. I'm such a bad worker. I should be working but I'm on this thing.
I thought maybe if I put my anxious thoughts down that they might subside but alas they haven't.
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2006.05.22 11.49
Monday.
I miss my brother and all the careless fun I had last week.
Slowly they're becoming ghost towns and it was the final goodbye for Berkeley this time.
Gosh I'm so dramatic but nora and I felt it.
It was the end of and era and an age group. Tommy was the last of our kinds. People who actually understand the power rangers phenomina and Growing pains. All the countless consumer needs of the late 80's and 90's.
I'm so proud of him. What a smart boy. He' looked so beautiful the day of his graduation. I have a goodlooking family eventhough they gave me all the fat genes. ha.
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2006.05.11 10.49
I'm a little stressed out right now.
I have a weekend to write and study for those finals for those classes I'm taking.
Its aight because I know that I'm gonna be having an amazing time this upcoming week. I miss my friends in the bay. I miss them so much. SF and the bay warms my heart so much now a days. I'm also so excited and proud of my brother. Go bears. ha.
I have nora and erijane and cristine and they're the only people that I care about in southern california. It's so funny how fridays are my nora and erijane afternoon/night. It's pretty much the highlight of San D. I'm gonna miss that so much when I move away. I just know that I'm gonna try my hardest to enjoy the next couple of weeks before I move in with Ivan. I also know that miles won't seperate us. They're just too much part of my family. I know it sounds obsessive but I think about them at least 20 times a week. That also goes for my core friendships.
It's gonna be so hard. I've gotten accustomed to our chic nights and when I say chic I mean as chic are SM can be.
Alright back to dealing with office work.
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2006.05.07 20.15
My summer plans:
Tommy's graduation week extraganza
Betsy's Moms' Wedding
New York with Tommy
San Fransisco with Betsy & Liz
Mexico with Eryka
and then I'll move to ABQ with Ivan.
My summer sounds pretty exciting, I just hope I don't spend too much of my savings.
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2006.04.13 09.20
I miss jessica this second.
Adulthood is a cynical place. Disneyland has lost a little glamour. More mechanical then glamour. Thailand in my backyard with the 25 exotic palm trees still calls for a celebration of glorious adventures.
I still miss my nevada.
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2006.04.09 22.09
I got a call from betsy and I'm so excited about her mama's wedding. I withdrew the money and I'm going tuesday to the gym...woo...Anyways I'm addicted to that little show 6 feet under. I hate almost everyone in the show. I hate nate fisher the most. It's funny how the show really brings out the selfish nature of human kind. Well not nature because behavior is conditioned but just how fucked up people are. You know whats funny is that the only character I appreciate is brenda. She's pretty honest.
Besides all that rant I've been thinking about taste and memory. I was thinking about scultpture/conceptual art pieces that I could do with some ideas ive been having. Its too bad that I wasn't an art major. I think I would have excelled after learning the mechanics of drawing and what nots. hum. I need to get into something again. I need to start the day excited of the day and not waiting for friday.
On more tangable things I get to use my cell phone again and I'm excited. Ivan and I are still doing well and all that magic. Its pretty fucken great. Besides the fights I like to start. ha.
I did the usualy lovely things with nora and erijane. Who ever said that you couldn't make NC a decadent time. DAMN we had some good as indian food, although the wait was long. I guess it was good for digestion. They have been such a large part of my real human interaction. At least people in my age group. I love that they come over and that Its pretty much always a beautiful experience. Something I look forward to. Totally random but there is this part of the 5th season of six feet under where sarah, ruth's sister loses her close friend...anyways the sing this song called calling all angels by Jane Siberry. I'm absolutely in love with the rendition. Its so beautiful. I'm buying one of her cd's tommorow. i've listed to that diddy about 17 times. Pretty sick but it warms my heart with such beauty and sadness. Very Joni like. I actually thought i was my joni when I listend to it. I miss my SC friends. I wish I had teleport abilities. What I really want to do right this second is to smoke a joint, sip on my famous strawberry margaritas and lay next to erica and ari's pool with the sc rays. If you've ever lived in sc or been there you'd know that the sunrays are diffrent there. Don't know how or why but they are.Those are possibly some of the best moments.
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2006.03.26 12.01
I had a good day yesterday. Hangin out with erijane and nora is always fun even if I had just had a little melt down. I appreciate that I can be a little off and they understand. I'm a little off already... anyways but it was pretty happy to get my marc j. I forgot how much I hate the mall setting. I love clothes and I love finding the cute outfit and looking at women's clothes...ideas for my future plans but the whole process of "shopping" is not for me. Thats why I love boutiques because its direct and to the point. Thats how I like to shop. Find the best look, get it, buy it and go out and enjoy it.
TOMMY IS ALMOST HERE. He's like 3 hours away and I'm excited. tommy, eri, and I are getting facials next weekend and I'm so excited that I just can't hide it. I think its because when tommy is around I enjoy being decadent and chic a bit more.
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2006.03.24 02.34
Its 2:12 in the morning and I can't sleep. sounds like i'm a bad dyke folk song. N-E-Ways I'm confused with Ivan. Not in a bad way but more of a wow I'm in a healthy realtionship and I'm not freaking out, whats wrong? I love him and I'm not being fucked with and he adores me. Adores... never thought Id use that word but he does and he also checks me. I just know it gets more and more serious everyday. He knows what he wants. He wants us to live together. I'm scared to think about us in the next month...but I'm more myself w/him than I've ever been w/anyone(bf) else.
The honest truth is that i'm fallin' in love.
The scary thing is that I still think about the psyhco-ex-assholes. They'll pop into my head and i'll teleport to their everyday lives and become a voyguer. Its just for seconds but it feels like its real.I still like to think of them for a few seconds and check up on them.
Tommy is coming sunday and I'm so fucking in need of quality time with my brother. he gets me. calms me. respects me. even when he calls me fatty. Maybe we'll get facials. Go shopping and blow my check on some new jeans and fragrances. This is totally random but most my entries are but i just wanted to let you all know that JILL SCOTT is so fuckin amazing. she is one of the keys to my heart. The song cross my mind gets me everytime. I should try to sleep even though I know im not going to be able to.
You were never good for me and I was never good for you.
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2006.03.22 15.09
I was just reading some friends blog and they were talking about how they're bored when people call them beautiful and I was thinking about my obsession with beautiful people and how I Love when super model looking people are all about me. I'm pretty shallow at moments like my "You're not pretty your not my friend" policy. Thats long gone but still when super attractives are all about me its still feeds my bullshit insecurties. You're ask how hotties + liking me = insecurities? Well here goes it just reminds me of when I use to validate myself through attractive people. Honestly I know that I still really only hang out with "typically" attractive people but its not what im all about. It just happens... I don't search for the attractives. I validate myself most the time. This is not to say that I don't think I'm attractive because baby I am the PACKAGE DEAL.
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2006.03.22 14.58
- Without David Brian, we would have to pollinate apple trees by hand.
- Pound for pound, hamburgers cost more than David Brian.
- It's bad luck for a flag to touch David Brian!
- If you lie on your back with your legs stretched it is impossible to sink in David Brian.
- About 100 people choke to death on David Brian each year.
- American Airlines saved forty thousand dollars a year by eliminating David Brian from each salad served in first class!
- The most dangerous form of David Brian is the bicycle.
- The original nineteenth-century Coca-Cola formula contained David Brian.
- David Brian was originally green, and actually contained cocaine!
- David Brian is the largest of Saturn's moons.
I like number 4 the most and number 10.
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2006.03.13 10.55
My mom is going into surgery tomorrowand I'm a bit nervous. She has to have her uterus removed because some kind of cysts or something that keeps bleeding. I'm just a little nervous. My little josie...im just nervous because things happen and I don't know what I would do without her. I would be so lost. I mean whos gonna tell me that im pretty but that I'm chubby all the time? Who is gonna tell me that I'm the biggest mama's boy in the world and that I need to get my life together? It will be fine I'm sure but its my mama...and I'm worried.
Anyways joise is excited about tommy's graduation party. Homegirl is already talking about how her and aunt phylis are gonna be scandalous= they're gonna be trashed throughout the whole weekend. I love it. I think its so cute that they love getting drunk with one another. I'm sure that I'm gonna get drunk too. I think josie is serious about the mariachis. She keeps asking me if I know where we can get them. She loves saying she's graduating from Berkeley and that she already graduated from Santa Cruz. Hopefully nora and I can get the same flight. Drinking grey goose on southwest. Dallas glitter.
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2006.03.10 23.06
How can a chance occurence conversation translate into this. This that I can't explain but I'm excited and nervous about. I guarded my heart for so long. Built walls mathematically comparable to the Incas around my heart yet still this. I don't even know if I can really love anyone anymore yet him. Things change when they know the pythagoras theorem.
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2006.02.28 14.49
I have a enamored realtionship with the rain. It brings a diffrent memory on the back of each drop. I'm remembering when I was 7 and running to catch the bus and missing it. When I was 12 tommy and I watching the sound of music...do a dear a female dear rey a drop of golden sun. 15,16,17, 18 thanksgiving with sarah brain at the porter dorms. Making art and drinking hot tea,loving myself, smoking love. Loved being alive and growing. 20 my friends all funny and wet at porter, smoking and getting wet. When a cig was really worth the cold water and air in your face. 21. Black honda civics don't remember which one i was really in but the warmth of the friends. Cigs were still worth the cold air and water in your face. How warm the houses become when it rains in Santa Cruz...its so beautiful when it rains. 22 Missing my brother so much. Missing the way my friends electrify my nerve endings. Wishing they would all get along so we'd have a huge sleep over and fall asleep to the humming rain.
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